Today we celebrate the beginning of a new year, and a new decade. Well, for the purists out there, it’s technically the end of the first decade of the new century, but we’re going to ignore that for now. Tradition tells us that on New Year’s Day we should review our life and make resolutions to change.
This is a good thing. . . in principle. I certainly am aware of my own shortcomings and would like to change some of my less than ideal habits. There’s just one small obstacle: change is hard. In the words of Mark Twain, the start of a New Year "is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." In short, humans are good at starting things, but not so good at seeing them through.
As a result, many of us who have seen a few New Year’s Days come and go still wrestle with the same habits year after year and so we tend to become cynical. We begin to doubt that change is realistic, at least for us. We long for it, but our faith has ebbed. Sure, someone else may be able to, but we aren’t good enough. And each new attempt that yields the same lack of results reinforces this view.
Is that it, then? Are we just not good enough? Is it just the way we are? Or is there something else going on?
I suggest it’s something else. In college I had the good fortune to learn about systems theory. At the heart of systems theory is the concept of equilibrium within a system. Essentially, a system is something that has many interdependent parts, whether it is a machine, an organism, a society or a personality. When one of those parts is changed or disrupted in some way, the other parts work to compensate in order to reassert the original equilibrium or as close an approximation as possible.
A dramatic example I recall from my study was a family in which the father was a recovering alcoholic. On the surface, the other members of the family were pleased with his change. However, their habits and interaction had been formed when the father’s alcoholism was the defining element of their family, and so instead of helping him to remain sober, they unintentionally pushed him back into his addiction.
Understanding the interrelationship of our own habits and the habits of those around us clarifies the extent of the change we are trying to make. While we are trying to change one main habit, there are a host of other habits in ourselves and quite possibly in others around us that will also require attention. For example, if someone wants to stop smoking they should take into account how smoking affects their other habits, like how they spend their work breaks or how they deal with stressful situations, as well as the people around them, such as family, friends and co-workers. It may seem a little daunting, but by being aware of the bigger picture we are much better able to make the change we desire and reap the desired results.
Common wisdom also suggests that it takes fourteen days to establish a new habit. I think this is basically true. Not that the old habit is forever destroyed after two weeks, but the most critical time to create a new pattern in your life is at the beginning. After that it’s about maintenance and vigilance. The heavy lifting is done; now it’s about staying consistent.
But consistency is tough, so it’s important not to be too hard on yourself if you goof up. Not to excuse it, but to recognize that it doesn’t mean it’s over. No one is perfect. Just pick yourself back up, brush yourself off and continue. Figure out what went wrong, which part of the system tripped you up and make the necessary adjustments. Don’t blame others—they too will adapt as your new habit becomes part of your character. Be sure and surround yourself with things and people that reinforce your desire. Find someone you admire or trust, tell them about your goal and then work out a plan to report to them on it regularly. These things will reinforce your commitment and make it easier. Easier is better.
New Year’s Day may only come once a year, but in reality every day is New Year’s Day. In the words of TobyMac’s song “City on our Knees:”
If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
