Being a parent is tough. And as the cliché goes, there is no instruction manual. Or is there?
Several months ago my wife introduced me to a book, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, by Becky Bailey. It is completely changing my views on parenting and how to go about it and in the process giving me increased hope that both my children and I will survive the experience.
One primary concept is that conflict is part of life and rather than being something undesirable it is really an opportunity for teaching. “You mean I should encourage conflict? That’s crazy!” That would be crazy. But here’s the deal. Children (and adults) aren’t born knowing where appropriate boundaries and limits should be and what consequences, both good and bad, may result from their actions. Conflict is where that learning can take place, and best while they are young and the consequences are small. Unfortunately, frequently the wrong lessons are learned because the parents see conflict as a contest of wills and a power struggle. Parents want to know how to make their children behave. Obedience is prized not least because it is the easier path—for the parents.
But that just teaches children to be followers and pleasers. It also teaches them to force their will on others who are weaker than they are. Conversely, if the parents give in to the children in the interest of peace it teaches them to be demanding and ego-centric. It’s not that the children are bad—they have just been incorrectly taught and guided. Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline shows you how to keep a level head and help your children learn these essential lessons. It’s not about making our children behave, but equipping them with the necessary understanding that will help them be more likely to make the correct choices, both now and in the future.
For those of us who believe that one of God’s supernal gifts to mankind is agency, this approach fits right in. God does not teach us by making us behave, so why would we try this with our children? Well, we do it because that’s how we were raised, or its how we think we should parent.
Control uses fear, whereas the principal here is one of loving guidance. And each new chapter I read (I still have another 60 pages to go) brings new revelations.
A big one is positive intent. It is easy to believe that when children (and adults) misbehave they do it out of selfishness or some other bad motive. Not surprisingly, when you tell little Johnny “You’re being selfish for not sharing your toys,” he takes that as a personal attack (which it is) and is even less willing to share. We just escalated the conflict. Positive intent assumes that Johnny misbehaved for a more neutral reason, even if he really was being selfish. By telling Johnny, “You kept the toys to yourself because you wanted to make sure they were nearby to play with later,” he sees you as someone who is his ally rather than his enemy. Note that this may not be the real reason. In fact, Johnny himself may not be able to tell you why he wouldn’t share his toys. The key here is not going into opposition mode. Then the child will be more likely to listen and respond to your loving guidance. “Johnny, when we have more toys than we can play with at the same time, we share the extra ones so that our friends can play and be happy too. Then when we want them back we ask for them by saying, ‘May I have my toy, please?’ Let’s practice.”
There is an excellent chapter on consequences as well. What a light it shined on punishment vs. consequences.
There are so many more insights, clarifications and outright new perspectives that turn on end what I had thought and believed. Most importantly, as I begin to apply the principles in this book I find my own inner peace increasing. I feel better about myself and my role as a parent. The conflict goes on, but if I do my job (however imperfectly) then my children will be better prepared for the rest of their lives.
In case you haven’t already gotten the idea, I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I just wish the entire nation (and world for that matter) could turn to this way to raise children. It would be a truly different world, and a much better one.
